The Soldier Next Door

“I told you to stop phoning me, Ethan.”

With nothing but a huff, I clench the phone tighter, and without trying to sound too annoyed, I speak once again, “But, I just wanted…”

“No buts, Ethan. You have phoned six times already, and it is only 10:00 am. Do you not have something better to do?”

“Not at this very pressing moment. So please can I…?”

“No, I said no. You are not waking him up again just to say hello.”

“But mom, come on…”

“I said no!”

With the vibration of her voice still ringing in my ear, my mom drops what would be the fifth call I have made unnecessary down in my ear. The phone finds its way very firmly to the other side of the ops tent, only but barely missing the head of Gibbs.

“Hey! What the fuck, man? Do you want to kill me?”

I only but grunt at him as I catch the returning phone, “My mom does not want me to speak to Lucas.”

“Well, perhaps because you have phoned her like six times today.”

“I just…fuck! I still don’t know if I have made the right decision to come back so soon.”

“It has been a year, Ethan, and your mom is there for Lucas. I don’t see why not”

“Ya, I know, but he is growing up so damn fast now. Lucky I caught him saying dadda before I left. You know how fucked off I would have been with myself if I did not get to hear it.”

“Hey, you are a good father. You have done better than everyone thought you would. I mean with that…”

I immediately stop him from saying another word, for I know exactly where he is going, and I do not want to listen to him going on about it again. The first three months were fucking hard. Not trying to say her name or thinking about her was probably more difficult than it was being a single dad.

I think I always knew that it would be harder to get over her once I had finally made that decision to push her to the back of what existed in my world. Yes, I should have also perhaps even taken the time to open that envelope to find the true reason why she had decided to leave Lucas and me behind at such a crucial stage in both our lives. But I told myself that day that I would not do it to myself and, most of all, to my son.

So I left that envelope for days untouched in that drawer.

The more the days went by, the easier it was to ignore that it existed. There were days that I finally stopped thinking of it altogether. I was happy that I never knew the reasons behind her betrayal, and funny yet sadly enough, she never tried to contact me or try to see Lucas. She has become a name that no one dares to mention and a topic that I definitely hate to bring up in any discussion.

Yes, the woman that I once thought was the stars in my lonely sky has become nothing but a bad memory that I have swept away and tucked far away in my mind.

The divorce went through; god knows how the lawyer found her, for I never even asked, and as for getting custody of my son, well, that was far too easily given. I would have thought that she would try to hang on to the one thing that gave her so much joy at one stage in her life. But then I started to ask myself the very question, did Ana ever love Lucas? Was she really so excited that she was going to become a mom?

Well, guess there I said her name. Now, if I had a glass of whiskey, I would have shot for being so foolish to sit and be thinking of her. I guess being back here out on enemy lines has brought that sense of wonder of what it is that should be important in your life.

All I know what is important is that little giggle that is on the other side of this phone that I am finding very hard to use to make another call. So before I phone my mom again, I look at Gibbs that has come to relieve me from my duties for the next few hours. “Well, I am going to go get a few hours of sleep.”

Gibbs only but laughs at me as he points to my phone, “Don’t lie. You are going to phone your mom.”

“I think at this stage; she is going to ignore my calls.” With that, I spin on my heels and make my way towards the exit, but not before I turn back and smile at Gibbs, “But that does not mean that I can send her a message.”

“She is going to fucking kill you. Now get out of here. We heading out later this afternoon.”

I only but nod at him as he waves me off, yet, I glance at him once more, “Fuck, I can’t wait to go blow some things up.”

And as I make my way down the dirt path towards my tent, I can hear him still laughing out loud, “You are fucking crazy!”

Ya, I am indeed crazy.

But it is crazy that got me here where I am walking right now. It took a lot of convincing and a few words of encouragement, but Gibbs and I made that long walk over to the recruitment offices again with the firm intention of joining the Rayders for sure that time around.

A year later, we find ourselves on a special ops mission under none other than Ray as two of the best goddamn Rayders they have today. I can say that the satisfaction was great to have achieved that one more thing in my life that I was dreaming of. Yes, the fact that I had to share that by myself did haunt me for days, and once that feeling subsided, I started to feel the guilt for wanting to go off on deployment and leave Lucas alone. But after endless conversations with Lisa, wife of Gibbs, I started to feel less bad and more excited at the upcoming deployment that will sadly take us away for nearly three months.

My mom has been absolutely amazing with Lucas as she and my dad moved into the little house just across the road from where I live now. After I returned from deployment the last time around, I could not bear living in the same house where there were memories of Ana. Ray got us a great little home that is absolutely just perfect for Lucas and me in a far more secure part of Pendleton.

Yes, I have become somewhat paranoid that one day she will come and take Lucas away. I know that she would never be that mean, but then she has proven herself to be a lot of other things, things that I would not even call any woman. I guess that hatred in my heart is still very much alive.

And what else is very much alive is the fact that I brought that goddamn envelope with me. I find myself taking it from home to wherever I go. Do I think that there will come a moment of weakness that I will take it out?

Yes, I have found them many times as the dreams of darkness that the battlefield has brought come to haunt me at night still. But never have I gone as close to opening it as I am feeling right at this very moment.

What if I realize that I have pushed her away for a year for all the wrong reasons?

What if there is truly something wrong and I have decided to look the other way?

What if she needed me, and I just did not care?

There are so many what-ifs that I can play out in my head, but I will still come to the same answer…

What I have done for Lucas and me was the right decision.

Nothing…

But nothing…

There is nothing that Ana can say that will change my mind. And perhaps, yes, here, now where I am back at camp, perhaps this is the right time to finally close this chapter. I should have done this a year ago. I should have freed my mind from this torture.

I guess…

Here it goes…

Sliding my hand underneath my jacket, I find the pocket where I have been holding it secure. With a deep breath, I sit back onto the bed and bit hard down onto my lip. There is a strange, unfamiliar feeling that creeps up my spine.

Am I feeling nervous?

Or am I even slightly anticipating some sort of excitement?

Only pushing these feelings to the depths of my heart, I flip the envelope open and slide out the piece of paper. Strange that after a year, I can still smell her perfume on it. It brings back so many memories of me snuggling my nose in the crook of her neck when I pulled her deep into the embrace of my arms.

I cannot feel these feelings.

I cannot fall back into Ana.

So pulling the sides of the paper, I open it completely.

For the second time, I swallow deep and start to read it once again…

“Dear Ethan…

I know that if you are reading this, it must have taken you days to get to that decision. I really do not blame you for hating me as much as you are hating me right now. And if it has taken you the time that I think it must have, then I know that you are somewhere near Baghdad and that you will be heading off into the unknown.This text is property of Nô/velD/rama.Org.

Now I know that no part of you are going to believe this, but I really wish you good luck and for your safe return. Lucas needs you more than ever, for god knows he does not need his mother, not after the stunt that she has pulled.

But if you give me just five minutes, then I want to tell you what and however stupid it might be, but I need for you to understand why I had to walk away and perhaps that you will understand. But before I lay my misery upon you, I want to say that I really did not intend for any of this to happen. I did not want to leave you or Lucas, but I had to; I had to give you two boys a better future than you would ever have had with me.

So, my story is perhaps a sad one for which you will not care, but it is a story that has given me nothing other than heartache the moment I discovered that it would become a part of my life.

You see, there is something ugly out there that happens to the best of us. One day we find ourselves sitting faced with the biggest word that we will ever come to understand in our life. And let me be honest with you, I still do not understand its purpose and the grip that it has in my life. All I know is that I hate being myself more now than I have ever done.

I was human before this, you might not believe that, but I was a different Isabella before this had happened to me.

It happens when you do not expect it. It is like that unknown mission that you go on, and you have no clue how it is going to play out. You can say that I have been going on this unknown mission of my life for years, even years before I had met you. But at least it was not a mission I had to endure before I met Mark.

I fucking regret ever laying my eyes on any of the Jenkins brothers.

They ruined me.

Not only for you but also for the one person that I was waiting for my whole life…

They took me from my son even before I had the chance to meet him.

You see, there is something out there that monsters and apparently people are made of.

I am made of that monster whom you saw me turn into; I am that person that you do not let your children near, not even for this five minutes that it is taking you to read this.

The thing is, Ethan, I have…”

And as with the time before, I pause as there starts to run a stream of unwanted tears down my face again. Only shaking my head to rid myself of the emotions, I take a sip of the water from the bottle that I have been clenching in my hand.

Then…

“The thing is, Ethan, I have BiPolar.

I do not know how to describe to you what it is, for it is not the same for every person. What I can say to you is that it makes me completely a messed-up person. Before I met you, I was completely out of control. It was so bad that I spent weeks and weeks from one institution to another.

I would love to say that you were the reason why I did calm down a little bit, but unfortunately, I have to say that it was only the medication. I was good for a year, a year I controlled that demon that makes fall apart. But I just could not, for what reason beyond me I do not know, but I thought that if I kept taking that medication while I was carrying Lucas, that in some way, I would imprint this monster into his genes as well.

Do you have any idea how I fear that our son will become what I have been for so many years now?

I lived with the tormented dreams every night as I felt him wiggle around. I just could not bear the thought of ruining his life as I have ruined mine.

And I guess if I stay away, perhaps he would not see how to awaken that beast if it is inside of him. The Doctor has told me to endless frustration that Lucas will be a normal boy and that I should not plant these awful ideas in my head.

Those very same awful ideas were what made me want to take your son away from you and never to return. But…”

For another second, I pause as the shock is the only thing that consumes me now. Never, but never did I think that this would be a reason behind all of this? I do not know what BiPolar is, but god, can it be such a terrible thing for a mother to leave her son?

Yet, nothing but nothing can be an excuse to leave your family behind. I need to remind myself of that, even if I might feel sorry for Ana.

Yet, I take another sip of water and continue to read…

“So, Ethan, I don’t know, and if you have, I will say thank you that you have read this. You have always been a stubborn man, and that is what I admired about you the most.

Ethan, I am not the woman that you need in your life, and neither am I the mom that our little bump deserves to have around. All I want for you is to understand that I did try, but I just could not do it. I am not made, mentally most of all, to be a mother and most of all the wife that you two boys should have in your lives.

All I ask of you is to look after Lucas and make him into the amazing man that you are.

And last, of all, I ask you to please, please never try to look for me.

Give Lucas a kiss for me.

Yours always in your heart.

Ana…”

Well, what do I say now?

Where do I go from here?

Is the life that I have built with my son the right one that we should live?

Should I ignore Ana’s last request as I always used to ignore what she told me to do, doing the exact opposite?

I will say this again.

I am not a broken man.

I have healed so much over this year.

I cannot be broken again.

I chose my son.

I chose to stay healed.

I am not a broken soldier, nor am I a broken man.

And I am not going to start being one today, so what do I do?

I crumple up that note and shove it back into that envelope until, maybe one day, I will act upon an instinct, but for now…